Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My daughter is 4. She is funny, loves singing and gymnastics, and cares deeply for her family and dog. She is also very into things being “beautiful” — especially herself.
For some context, she was scouted to be a model in infancy, which I did not want her to do. She sometimes has strangers comment on her looks in public places. My family comments on her looks, usually out of earshot but not always.
I try to focus more on praising her humor, her learning new things and her kindness. But this world often has different priorities for girls, and she seems to have internalized a lot of them. How do I redirect her or others when this comes up?
Anonymous: Aside from a serious talk with your family — “Help me here, people” — there is (unfortunately) not much you can do about ambient focus on looks. As such, trying to stop it through redirection will be awkward, futile and possibly counterproductive for your daughter to witness. “Oh, your girl is so beautiful!” “Yes, she’s smart, too!” Ugh. Not that you’d be this clunky, but an astute kid will see through subtlety, too. Just say “thanks” and move on.
Plus, making counterpoints risks signaling to her that you don’t agree she’s pretty, which can mess with her head as thoroughly as a looks-obsessed society can, and then some.
So instead consider just shoring up your home and your values and the environment you can control. Make sure she is involved in activities that draw attention away from the self — volunteer work, for example, or learning to be a fully contributing part of a household, or taking on challenging, cooperative things like a team sport or dog training or making music. Encourage reading and creativity, talk about shows you watch together, go to museums, get outside in nature.
She may not take to these things with the enthusiasm she has for her own and others’ beauty. Aesthetics have value, too. But if you are careful to cultivate alternatives as part of a full life, then they will all be there for her when, inevitably, looks as a value system let her down.
Hi, Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law are having a baby. It’s their first and probably only baby given their ages. My sister-in-law has told me she doesn’t want visitors when the baby arrives.
I live 30 minutes away and have no idea when I get to meet him. How do I get over feeling hurt that I’m being treated as a “visitor,” and get excited for the baby?
Hurt: You are a visitor! Even if you’re a beloved one, you’re outside the circle of three. It’s not personal. A new baby is an all-consuming upender of lives, and chances are the couple got advice to clear the decks beforehand. It’s smart for them to do that, because finding out they actually are ready for guests and then inviting people to visit is WAY easier than finding out they’re not ready and having to kick people out or disinvite them.
The best uncle/auntie material is long on flexibility and short on hard feelings. Congrats.
· I understand; I wasn’t in that first tight circle to welcome my brother’s baby. But the relationship isn’t about that first tiny newborn bit, it’s about helping your nibling discover the wider world of your family a little later on.
· I get that being asked to stay away may sound harsh, but it really does help new parents assess what they need at a time of huge transitions, needs and emotions.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/23/carolyn-hax-daughter-praise-looks/