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Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I were invited to a dinner party by a childhood friend of mine whom we have seen occasionally over the past 50 years.
At dinner, the host pulled me aside and asked about my political views, to which I responded, “I believe my views will differ from your own. We don’t see each other often, so let’s just enjoy the evening.” He kept pushing, and I gave him my full opinion. He then asked what my wife’s views were. I responded by saying, “Pretty much like my own.” The host just exploded, freaking out, etc.
Before returning to the group, I again requested we just put our views aside and enjoy the evening. The host then entered the kitchen, where my wife was assisting his wife, and asked her if she supports the same political party as me. My wife responded, “Yes!”
My wife and I stayed through dinner. Three days later, we sent a respectful thank-you card. How should we have reacted to this attack, both in the short term and the long term?
In the short term, you and your wife did the best you could under unpleasant circumstances.
In the long term, Miss Manners recommends that you consider whether you want to maintain this relationship. Childhood history notwithstanding, a friend does not aggressively lure you into conflict — and then chastise you for taking the bait.
Dear Miss Manners: My son’s girlfriend’s family and friends frequently cut him off and redirect conversation back to themselves whenever he starts to contribute to the conversation at get-togethers. Having seen this, I now understand why he usually stays home instead of going with her when she visits her family. He is intelligent and well-spoken. It’s hard for a mother to watch.
He has helped his girlfriend achieve a level of stability neither she nor anyone in her family had known prior. He doesn’t expect much in return; he isn’t like that. I worry that he is being taken advantage of, but I’m staying out of it and trusting he will eventually figure it out on his own.
However, if I’m around the next time they cut him off in conversation, I’m tempted to say, “He let you finish talking. Is there a reason he shouldn’t be allowed to finish his sentence?” Am I being a jerk?
Miss Manners can never be sure, of course, but being loyally indignant on behalf of your son certainly does not make you one.
The polite way to point out this mistreatment is to announce (when the person who interrupted finishes speaking, of course), “Lance, I think you were about to say something?” And then to repeat this as necessary until they understand and desist.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
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