Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I found out that my partner was lying to me about talking to ex-girlfriends and some other things. He gave me the passcode for his phone in an act of openness but now has his phone with him all the time. I am at a loss as to whether I ask him to check it, or whether I’m just supposed to trust him going forward because he gave me the code?
I also feel yucky checking his phone because it feels invasive, but on the other hand, I want to know whether he’s still lying to me. What do I do?
Trust Issues: He lied to you. You don’t trust him. Those are the facts.
Phone checks have never been and will never be the solution to these problems.
Let’s say you check his phone every day for the next 10 years. You find nothing. Will you trust him again? When? After Month 1 of finding nothing? Year 3? Year 9, but only if he’s good about remembering your birthday?
You are wracked with doubt and suspense. That is no kind of life. And, again, no amount of phone-checking will fix it.
Only two things will: 1. Trusting the people in your life. 2. Trusting yourself to handle it if someone breaks that trust.
Figure out whether and how you can get to this point, with or without this particular known liar, and proceed accordingly.
To: Trust Issues: Many people talk to exes, and partners are aware of it and don’t object. If you tried to impose a rule, “Thou shalt not speak to exes,” and he circumvented that by lying, then it calls for some introspection. I’m not saying the lying is okay, but a ban on exes suggests insecurity on your part that needs to be addressed, along with trust.
Anonymous: Fair point; the letter writer may have introduced pressure to lie. The only correct answer to such pressure, however, is to refuse to bow to it, even if it means breaking up.
Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I watch a lot of TV together to wind down from stressful jobs and trying to get ahead in our 20s. It’s the only thing we fight about. We belong to the same gym, bike together and even game together smoothly. With TV, though, she wants to stop me from having fun and being myself.
Most shows are stupid, and we all know that, so I like to crack jokes. She hates this and says I’m ruining the shows for her.
I can’t watch TV and not do this; it’s unnatural for me, but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t see that she’s ruining it for me by expecting me to just sit there like a dummy and watch in silence. Other girls I’ve dated have appreciated it and laughed along with me. I miss that.
This isn’t something I want to break up over. Is there any compromise here?
Want to Be Me: You’re doing something she hates, justifying it, pitting her against “other girls” and permission-shopping to keep her from being herself. Is this how you treat everyone you care about?
And you “can’t … not do this”? Maybe get that checked.
Either you zip it, watch TV separately or compromise: You zip it for her shows and blab through yours. You choose these shows together. You try.
You don’t get to decide what “we all know,” then use that to insult her. Hello, by your definition, she watches TV “like a dummy.”
She’s entitled to hear dialogue; you’re entitled to have opinions. So be respectful and figure it out.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/29/carolyn-hax-checking-phone-lying/