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Dear Sahaj: I’ve been conditioned to compare myself to others by my parents. My parents had a lot of expectations for me, and the best way they could “scale” it was to compare my accomplishments, successes, failures and even my personality to those of the people around me. Now I see myself doing it on a daily basis, and becoming almost obsessive over it.
I’m a senior in high school on the verge of applying to college, and it’s intensified to a new level. I keep comparing myself to others, and I even compare my achievements and my “brag sheet” to my closest friends. I feel so guilty about it, but I feel like there’s no way for me to stop.
— Trapped in Comparison
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Trapped in Comparison: Everyone compares themselves to others to some degree. At best, it makes us feel motivated or inspired, and at worst, we feel like failures and lose sight of our own pursuits and strengths.
Comparison mind-set is tied closely to the scarcity mind-set or this belief that everything is a zero sum game. So when someone else succeeds or achieves, then it feels like you’ve lost. It’s important to remind yourself that there is, in fact, room for everyone to win.
It’s likely you learned to receive validation, praise, acceptance and even love from your parents when you were performing on par or better than others. If so, then it makes sense that your self-esteem may be tied to your ability to achieve. Because of this, it’s important to add other values and characteristics to your brag street to build your self-esteem and shift from what you achieve to how you try to get there. Are you persistent? Loyal? Are you a good listener? Creative? These are worth celebrating, too.
Your parents may have relied on comparison because it was how they were able to measure success how they understood it. But what does success mean to you? You’ll want to gain clarity on goals that are important to you and make you feel empowered. This will help you feel ownership over your achievements rather than having them be something to show off to others.
The next time you want to do something to feel like you are better than others, consider this: Do you want to do this thing for yourself or do you want to do it to impress others? If the latter is what always dictates your choices, then you’ll always be chasing a fleeting feeling of temporary success and happiness.
When you feel like you are constantly competing with others, you will always have your guard up. This will make it hard for you to collaborate, trust or share — things that can help you in your pursuits rather than isolate you. To combat this, practice celebrating others. Instead of thinking, “She’s smarter than me” or instantly feeling jealous, consider pausing and recognizing that person’s strength: “She worked so hard, I’m so happy she did well!”
This might feel uncomfortable at first, but will help you separate others’ actions and achievements from your own. It can also help you recognize strengths, values and characteristics (beyond achievements) in others that are worth celebrating, allowing you to see these things in yourself, too.
My last piece of advice is to incorporate play into your life. Learn things and do things that challenge the idea that you need to always be good or “successful.” Take on a hobby you’re bad at but enjoy. Let friends and loved ones teach you skills they’re better at than you. Lean into the discomfort to shift from being performance-oriented to learning-oriented.
Remember that achievement and success require acknowledging and accepting our own limitations. If you are constantly trying to achieve things that feel out of reach, you may always be unhappy and feel like a failure. But if you are honest about where your strengths are and what you have to offer, then you can set realistic goals that feel more aligned with your values and abilities. Doing this and exploring what makes you feel happy and fulfilled in life is essential to making room for your success to live alongside others’.
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Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/10/27/ask-sahaj-compare-self-others-stop/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=wp_lifestyle