Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: I’m writing this as I manage a level of exhaustion and frustration I haven’t felt in a while. (Yes, I’m already reaching out to a therapist because it’s scary.) What right do I have to tell my husband to travel less for work? He used to have a two-nights-every-other-week routine that we, as a family, managed fairly okay (tiring but okay). But now it has become a weekly routine of two to four nights a week where I am left alone with both kids, 7 and 10. I also have my own job — I own my business, flexible but SUPER stressful — after-school activities, etc.
When he travels, I can’t work out, which makes me SO happy; don’t have backup for anything, from taking a breather to being late, to socializing with my friends; the house becomes kind of unmanageable; and, yes, the kids and I miss him a lot. The whole vibe of the home is off.
I get it that all spouses in all marriages deal with it just fine, but it doesn’t make ME happy. At all. Everything about me worsens — food intake, insomnia, moodiness, stress, etc.
Do I have the right to tell him not to travel as much? Most of my friends (moms) in the same field don’t travel remotely as much. Heck, I’m in the same field, and I don’t work past 4:15 p.m., because someone needs to be home with the kids after school. Can one spouse say, “No, you don’t get to do that for your career”?
Exhausted: “All spouses in all marriages” aren’t relevant.
Your marriage is: Why is it all tell-tell-“No, you don’t”? Did you (or he) skip the part where you started a conversation?: “I’m losing it here, the extra travel is overwhelming to me, so I would like us to talk seriously about other possibilities.”
If you haven’t said it that way yet, then do so right away. Inviting your partner into the solution is so much better, so much happier and more effective for the marriage, than saying, “Do this.”
If you already tried that and he didn’t take you seriously, then there’s your opening: “I said to you, very clearly, that I am not doing well with this arrangement, and you didn’t take me seriously. So now on top of feeling overwhelmed, I feel dismissed. Please take this seriously — it is starting to scare me how tired and frustrated I am, and since it is your home and family, too, you belong in the discussion about what needs to change.”
I don’t know how much of this is in your husband’s control, short of getting a new job — which is possible, too, but also a bigger ask with a longer lead time and a steeper learning curve, plus a bunch of other unknowns. So you might need an interim solution while you work toward lasting ones.
In fact, the interim solutions might add up to a more workable household: Hiring household help, delegating more weekend responsibilities to him, carpooling and setting dedicated workout times (because you’ve hired out/delegated/carpooled your way to more free time) in combination can be enough to restore some equilibrium. But it’s not happening if you don’t get it started together.
As always, if he resists even this conversation, then your stress has a marital source bigger than his travel schedule and probably belongs in a couples’ therapist’s office. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/25/carolyn-hax-spouse-stop-work-travel/