Dear Sahaj: The way my parents speak to each other is sometimes difficult for me to see and hear. They had an arranged marriage and have been together for over 30 years. We come from a culture where family backgrounds mattered far more than compatibility in arranging a match.
My mother will sometimes share her frustrations with me, as she has expressed she cannot do that with my father. I feel upset after these conversations, especially because there is not much I can do to prevent or change the situation. I have been witness to this my entire life, and I’ve realized that playing peacemaker is a fruitless endeavor.
At this point, I’m focused on my own reactions. How can I better manage my own emotions after these encounters? Thank you in advance for your advice and for all that you do for the community.
In the Middle: You are in a painful and difficult position. Your mom depends on you, and you are an emotional support for her … but at what cost? No matter how much you care, or want to make things better, you’re right that you can’t prevent or change the situation.
Right now, when your mom shares her feelings or your parents fight, you feel like you have to be of service in a specific way, or that it’s your job to alleviate their pain. Interrogate why you’ve taken on this role. Think about how you can reposition yourself from fixer to listener. By consciously doing this, you will approach the conversations from a different head space. For example, if you tend to engage in a way that is asserting your opinion or trying to solve the problem for your mom, then you will get off the phone feeling more frustrated than if you engage as someone who can listen and be a sounding board.
Consider how you can prepare for these situations. This may be having more intention when you talk to your mom so you are in a good head space, or having boundaries for yourself around what times of day or how often you talk to her about this. You may even consider implementing a calming ritual — like deep breathing, or closing your eyes and visualizing a shield around you to protect yourself — before you spend time with your parents.
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Be honest with yourself that you are triggered by your mom’s venting to you and your parents’ communication style. This will decrease the shock of the trigger, which can minimize the intensity of the feelings they bring up. This will also help you prepare, manage your expectations and practice mindful acceptance that you cannot change this situation.
The best way to “better manage” your emotions is simply by learning to identify, understand and process them. You have spent so much time internalizing your mom’s feelings that I wonder if you have given space to your own. Take time — after an incident, or more generally — to really identify and process what you are feeling. For instance, you say you are feeling upset, but be more specific. Do you feel helpless? Exhausted? Something else? Acknowledge and name these feelings. You want to make room for them because ignoring or suppressing them can actually have negative consequences on your own mental health.
Because of cultural values, you may not choose to separate yourself from your mom, but you do want to separate your feelings from hers. This may sound harsh, but ask yourself: Will taking on my mom’s frustration and pain help her at all? The answer is probably no. It may feel like it’s helpful because the brain wants to find solutions, but in reality, it’s only causing you more heartache and distress.
Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the space and time to really journal, talk through (with a friend or professional) and process how your parents’ marriage and your mom’s frustrations have affected you. How do they impact your own sense of self or your behaviors in other relationships? You want to understand your baseline of emotions so you can differentiate when you are absorbing your parent’s. When acknowledging your feelings, you can ask yourself: Is this feeling mine, or my mom’s? You can even visualize holding an emotion that isn’t yours and putting it down somewhere else, to externalize it from your internal experience.
After conversations with your mom or time with your parents, you want to engage in post-care. This may look like having a funny video queued up, or running your hands through cold water, or blasting a song you love, to create some space from that interaction. Repeating affirmations to yourself after you speak to your mom can also help. These may sound like, “I am not responsible for fixing my parents’ marriage. I love my mom and feel for her and I don’t have to absorb her feelings as my own.” These can help you ground in a reality that is more stabilizing while also allowing you to be there for your mom — if you so choose.
Being empathetic and supportive of your mom does not mean forgoing your own wellness. You didn’t ask for advice on how to set boundaries — which I write about in detail here — but I’d encourage you to consider if and how you can set some to give yourself the space you may need.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/25/ask-sahaj-mom-vent-frustration/