We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I dated my ex-boyfriend “Eric” from the age of 23 to 28. I broke up with him when I asked about marriage and he said he wasn’t ready for it. He took a temporary assignment abroad for six months and came back married. I was devastated but did my best to forget him.
Eric showed up at my apartment recently and asked to talk to me. He said he made a big mistake, the marriage was a disaster and they separated after less than five months. He said he got caught up in a whirlwind romance and lost his head. He knew it was a mistake immediately and wished he had married me. As soon as his divorce is final, he wants to marry me.
Is it crazy that I’m considering saying yes? He is the love of my life, and I haven’t met anyone else that I fit with like him. He even bought me a beautiful, vintage ruby ring — just what I would have picked. I feel like I have nothing to lose by giving it a shot. However, people are telling me that he needs to take a breather between marriages, and I’d be crazy to go through with it. Is it so crazy to take a leap of faith with the man I still love?
Comeback Story: Wait he bought you an engagement ring while he’s still married?! Oh, no no no. Before we get to him, though, you need to think about you: Why are you willing to become reinvolved with someone who goes abroad, comes back married, and immediately professes his love to someone else? What would you say to a friend who was considering dating a man who was still married?
Please do not accept this ring now — or in the near future. You both need to work on this relationship. I agree with your friends that jumping from one marriage into another is not a good idea. Until you can both understand why he “wasn’t ready” with you before, and what’s to prevent him getting “caught up in a whirlwind romance and losing his head” again, you’re not ready to be engaged.
Comeback Story: It’s not crazy — it’s romantic. How many of us actually get to have a second chance with someone we loved and lost? The in-progress separation, the presentation of a ring, and the heartfelt in-person confession indicate that he’s serious and not just weighing his options. Contrast these actions with those of a prodigal ex who was still married but “talking about” divorce, shipped you a doodad from Temu, and slipped into your DMs to test the waters.
You were together five years, which is a substantial amount of time to know someone’s heart — and I presume his finalized divorce and your wedding are not happening at the courthouse on the same day. In that case, take the leap of faith. Don’t kibosh this opportunity and wonder, “What if?” Say yes, wear that vintage ruby ring with joy, and use the engagement period (short or long!) as the time when you — not those “people who are telling you” — can dispel any lingering doubts. Congratulations on getting a chance at an epic comeback story!
— Been There in Oak Park
Comeback Story: He isn’t the same man he was when you were together. He’s been through one major life change (marriage) and is about to go through another (divorce). You’ve likely been through your own changes and aren’t quite the same person either.
You need to treat him like he’s someone new or like it’s a new relationship with an old friend you haven’t spent time with in years. Go back to dating and just hanging out before making any sort of decision about living together or marriage. Get to know each other again. Also, if you haven’t dated other people in the time since the original breakup, consider insisting that the first month or two of dating be nonexclusive for both of you. Talk this out with him and consider couples counseling. Also, regardless of what happens in the short term, I’d suggest you get solo therapy. If he truly wants to marry you, then he’ll be willing to work on the relationship first and worry about marriage later.
If he insists the only options are to get married immediately after his divorce or not get back together at all, then what he’s looking for is a wife, any wife, and you’re his easiest option.
Comeback Story: There’s nothing wrong with taking a leap of faith, but it helps to know if it’s your ego or your soul that’s cheering you on. Your ego just wants an immediate “win” that makes you look good; ideally now, so you don’t actually have to wait (or work) for it. Your soul wants what’s best for you and is willing to put in the work to get you there.
Time helps you differentiate between your ego and your soul … so please do the adult thing and pull the brakes on Eric’s impulsivity train for everyone’s sake. If you are meant to be, then this time will ensure you’re laying a good foundation for the rest of your marriage. All marriages have conflict and problems to solve, so practicing patience in the face of discomfort is a great way to build long-term resilience, which will help you both grow as individuals and as a couple. Good luck on the journey, I’m rooting for y’all!
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/24/carolyn-hax-ex-back-married/