Dear Carolyn: A close friend in another state didn’t tell me about her daughter’s wedding for nine months. She offered various excuses, such as it being a small wedding. I would have respected that and not have pushed to go; it was not being informed that bothered me. We speak for hours at a time at least twice a week. I was shocked and hurt and told her so, and she apologized, but I am still astounded. It feels like a betrayal. What say you?
S.: Well, that is definitely not good.
But is it in character for her?
Here’s why I’m asking: Your scenario reminds me of one a friend of mine faced years ago. It has the same bones: a discovery, a huge disappointment, an active struggle to get past it.
Relief finally came for my friend in the form of an “aha” moment. The source of the disappointment, the root cause for this particular bad outcome, had been there all along — and she had been fully aware of it, too. The issue simply hadn’t presented itself before in such an obvious or consequential way as it did this time.
Making that connection meant she could draw on her prior experience dealing with it, and her having emerged just fine before.
Sorry for being so oblique; splashing out friends’ disappointments in my column is not a great way to keep friends.
Sorry, too, for the advisory detour for what probably seems like a long shot. But what you describe is such an odd thing to happen between friends in such close contact that my first reaction is to look for something normal in it.
So: Is it in character for this friend to shove aside things that make her uncomfortable? Is denial her coping strategy of choice, right up to the moment life makes denial impossible? Because avoidant tendencies could explain a bizarro silence like this.
Exclusion from a wedding guest list is hard news to hear, for sure. But don’t forget it’s also really, really hard news to deliver to a friend — and some people’s hard-news-delivering skills fall somewhere between godawful and nonexistent.
If your friend routinely chickens out of tough conversations, then I’d argue that this isn’t a betrayal so much as a logical, if hurtfully extreme, extension of the person she has always been — the person who is still such a close friend that you talk for hours at a time multiple times a week.
Whether my hunch about your friend is right or wrong, your options are the same:
· Accept her apology, trust she meant no harm and resume the friendship as usual.
· Raise the subject again. Say you believe her apology is sincere but struggle to understand her reasons, then ask whether she’s willing to share.
· Treat this as a caution flag and proceed slowly from here, watching for other signs of trouble.
· Decide the injury to the friendship was a mortal one.
I hope it isn’t. From where I sit, few things in life have more value than a long-talks-twice-a-week friend. Even one who’s a little bit weird.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/24/carolyn-hax-friend-daughter-wedding-secret/