Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband got really into running last year as part of a treatment plan for his depression. I fully supported this. But now he spends 15 hours a week running or working out, and I am stuck solo parenting our kids, both under 5, for that time. I do the morning get-kids-ready-and-to-day-care rush by myself every day, and I watch the kids two to three hours a day on weekends while he runs. All this is on top of my full-time job.
We used to have a fair parenting split. Now all that time goes to his training. It’s not for a specific race; he just wants to see “how good I can be” and plans to keep increasing his mileage. I am exhausted and increasingly resentful.
But how do I tell him “enough” when this is the only thing that has made him happy in two years? He is excited and passionate and looks forward to reaching long-term goals. I don’t want to take that away, but I can’t do this forever.
— Sick of Being a Runner’s Wife
Sick of Being a Runner’s Wife: You have to speak up. It may seem obvious that he’s robbing the marriage to feed his running habit, but you haven’t told him and he hasn’t figured it out. So a respectfully timed (i.e., when you have nothing pressing waiting for you) conversation is due:
1. “I love that you found running and eased your depression.”
2. “I have been hesitant to say something that risks undermining your passion.”
3. “I must say something, though, because I’m burned out. I can’t do all the morning and weekend child care without relief. I am happy to sit here and figure out an arrangement that allows you to keep training.”
Plus: Training that much is an injury waiting to happen; one or two off days per week seems healthy as well as fair. And can he run early enough on other days to be back before kid wake-ups? That seems like a fair balance of tending to his mind, preserving his marriage, strengthening father-child bonds and not breaking his spouse.
Hi, Carolyn: Is there any way to ask for a quiet session with my hairdresser or dentist? I’m more than introverted. Being a captive audience when my hairdresser or dentist talks and talks causes me physical pain.
The last time I got my hair cut, I said I was in pain from a Supreme Court decision that day (not untrue) and would prefer not to chat. This week, I tried to move my dentist along by lying and saying I had to return to the office. He gets so into his stories that he pauses work.
The hairdresser stopped talking — she’ll definitely chat my ear off next time, it doesn’t matter if I just hmm hmm and don’t engage — but the dentist got visibly annoyed. When I checked out, the office manager said, “To be blunt, you need to schedule early in the morning if you are time constrained,” and I just thanked her.
I can’t be the only one who wants a quiet experience.
Quiet, Please: You’re not, for sure.
But in trying for silence without offense, you’ve achieved noise and hard feelings. That’s your cue to start asking directly, and kindly, for what you want. Noting your preference when you book your appointment will probably be easier than asking in the moment: “Would you please include a note that I prefer no conversation during my appointment? Nothing personal, just more comfortable for me this way. Thank you.”
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/01/carolyn-hax-dad-runs-too-much/