We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I don’t know why but my parents have sided with my ex-boyfriend against me. I was always a good kid: track star and 4.0 average in high school, bachelor’s degree with honors, great job, bought my own home at 28. I was in a relationship with this guy “David” for the past 4 years. My family loved him. He’s a good-looking, outgoing and charming guy.
He moved in last year and things quickly went south. David started spending less and less time with me and just using our home as a pit stop. I kept asking what was wrong, and he kept blowing me off. I asked if he was cheating, and we had a bad argument. Then I came home the next day to find he’d moved out, confirming my suspicions. After a few days, he said he was sorry, he was “going through something,” and he wanted to talk it out and come home. I said no; when I’m done, I’m done.
Recently this great guy asked me out, and I said yes. It felt right and was a distraction from the heartache. We’ve went out just a few times so far. Unfortunately, a friend of David’s saw us at a restaurant and felt it necessary to report on my life to him. David went ballistic. He accused me of cheating on him and other things until I had to block him.
Then he contacted my parents, which is crazy and should have sent up alarm bells. Instead, they’re all over me about breaking David’s heart, and how I need to make it right because he is my best chance at love. Like I’m 51 not 31. I tried talking to them but ended up shouting and angry. That’s wrong I know but come on, my parents are siding with some cheating rando against their own daughter. Anyway, I obviously need a better way to handle this one. Help?
My Side: Your life, your love life — not theirs. Make it clear that you value them as parents, but this breakup is off limits, and if they talk to you about it you will leave. And do that. Don’t change your visiting/texting/video chatting schedule, but every time they start in on your ex-boyfriend, just say, “Sorry, I’m not discussing my love life with you” and immediately leave the premises or hang up. Sooner or later they will realize if they want to have a relationship with you, they will leave the subject alone. It may take some time but eventually most parents come around. You can’t control what they choose to talk about but you can control whether you listen to it.
My Side: Your parents made a big misstep here. But I am going to offer advice on a different issue that you did not ask about. You need to grow up emotionally. As someone who was once repeatedly and falsely accused of cheating, let me point out that unless you left a lot out, you have no evidence at all that David cheated. Groundless accusations are form of abuse. His moving out is evidence not of cheating but of the damage done by your own behavior. Your response to your parents’ overstep was to shout at them, also immature and abusive. And your reference to your high school GPA suggests you find comfort for your own misbehavior in thinking about your own supposed greatness. If they saw you driving away someone they had known for years, that’s not siding with a “cheating rando” even though it’s still none of their business. Time to reflect.
My Side: Well, first, stick to your decision. If his abrupt change of demeanor and abruptly moving out wasn’t a red flag, his going to your parents is a klaxon of manipulativeness. Secondly, your parents have taken him into their lives for the last four years and in some ways, it may be more of a loss for them because their direct experience of him is still of this great guy (albeit one that fed them some line about your break up) and they’re worried you’re making a mistake. I’d just give it some time. They’ll see that you’re just fine without this guy, whether you keep dating the newer great guy or not. If he keeps bugging them, they’ll come to recognize something is off. I don’t want to be alarmist, but his unhinged behavior is making me think a restraining order is in his future. Take care.
— Been Around The Block
My Side: The ex-boyfriend has proven he’s not worthy many times over and doesn’t deserve anything more from you. Focus on your own healing and ensuring you learn from this relationship for your next one. That peace will also allow you to use this moment to work out some issues with your parents. You make a case that you deserve their support and loyalty because you have done everything right, but you don’t need to do anything to deserve love and support from them.
When you are calm, sit down and share your experience and feelings with your parents — not to persuade them you are right but instead as a chance for you to show them who you are and to give them an opportunity to give you the support you deserve. Be clear that advocating for the ex is out of bounds and demeaning to you. Hopefully they will realize their error and this will put you in a better place with both your parents and the new love which will surely find you.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/03/27/carolyn-hax-cheating-ex-parents/