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It’s probably happened to you.
You give a gift, and it’s poorly received. How do you know?
The person doesn’t have to say anything. The disappointment or dissatisfaction shows.
Or maybe the receiver isn’t silent, and says something like:
“Oh, this is the wrong color.”
“This is not my size” (eye roll follows).
“You know I don’t like [fill in the blank].”
“It’s like you don’t know me at all.”
“Ooh, I would have liked that” (after glancing longingly at someone else’s gift).
“I don’t want this.”
“Did you get a gift receipt?”
Have you been the source of grief for a gift-giver, acting poorly upon receipt?
If so, I have an assignment for you. Read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s “Gifts.”
The single best gift you can give anyone, according to teachers
A recent gift exchange incident made me think of Emerson’s essay. The source of so much holiday angst is good gift intentions gone bad.
Here’s the mic drop line from the essay, “He is a good man, who can receive a gift well.”
Emerson continues, “We are either glad or sorry at a gift, and both emotions are unbecoming.”
I want to pause right there.
When I first read this essay, I wondered why being glad about a gift was unbecoming. I understand the second point. It’s rude to show you are an unhappy recipient of a present.
But why is being overjoyed wrong?
Here’s why, according to Emerson:
“If the gift pleases me overmuch, then I should be ashamed that the donor should read my heart, and see that I love his commodity, and not him.”
That’s an Oprah “aha moment.”
The truth is we can put too much weight on whether a gift illustrates how much someone loves or knows us. Failure to demonstrate our feelings is met with discontent.
And woe to the one who, in the eyes of the receiver, gives something unwanted.
Krampus isn’t coming to town. HE’S ALREADY HERE.
“I am sorry when … a gift comes from such as do not know my spirit, and so the act is not supported,” Emerson writes.
I have been guilty of not receiving a gift well.
I remember one Christmas when my then-fiancé (now husband) gave me several theme gifts. He wrapped each one separately — a leotard, footless tights, leg warmers (yes, I’m that old), a headband and sneakers.
As I opened each present, I became increasingly distraught. In my mind, he was being critical of my weight. I ended up crying, tossing aside the last wrapped box.
My husband was so confused and hurt. He thought the items were perfect because I had joined a gym and had been talking about getting some new workout clothes.
“Some violence, I think, is done, some degradation borne, when I rejoice or grieve at a gift,” Emerson wrote.
This is why it’s so hard to buy for some folks. They communicate through their facial expressions or words: You had better give the right present if you don’t want me to become upset.
If you want more personal finance advice that’s timeless, order your copy of Michelle Singletary’s Money Milestones.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the gift, the goal should be to avoid offending intentionally or unintentionally. Here’s how to receive a gift well:
Be aware of the face you make when accepting a gift.
You don’t have to give an Oscar-worthy performance feigning ebullience. Just don’t act like an ingrate by twisting your face to clearly show your displeasure.
We fake our faces all the time with people who don’t matter. Be body conscious of your reactions for folks you care about.
A town fell on hard times. Hundreds of giant nutcrackers revived it.
“Next to things of necessity, the rule for a gift, which one of my friends prescribed, is, that we might convey to some person that which properly belonged to his character, and was easily associated with him in thought,” Emerson wrote.
Yes, we want people to know us well enough to figure out the appropriate present.
It’s okay to be disappointed that your friend gave you high-priced coffee and you only drink tea. Some people just aren’t great at giving gifts. Others, give out of obligation and their choices show it. They don’t give much thought to what you might like.
Nonetheless, be civil. Be kind. Recognize the person could have done nothing.
An etiquette guide to regifting
Don’t voice your disapproval
My husband and I once gave a relative a new television. We had noticed his wasn’t working well.
Upon opening his Christmas gift, he said, “I would have preferred the money.”
Simply say ‘thank you’
Even if the gift doesn’t suggest much thought was given, you don’t have to respond in kind.
Graciousness trumps thoughtlessness.
B.O.M. — The best of Michelle Singletary on personal finance
If you have a personal finance question for Washington Post columnist Michelle Singletary, please call 1-855-ASK-POST (1-855-275-7678).
My mortgage payoff story: My husband and I paid off the house in the spring of 2023 thanks to making extra payments and taking advantage of a mortgage recast. Even though it lowered my perfect 850 credit score and my column about it sparked some serious debate with readers, it was one of the best financial decisions I’ve made.
Credit card debt: If you’re in the habit of carrying credit card debt, stop. It’s just a myth that it will boost your credit score. For those looking to get out of credit card debt, see if a balance transfer is right for you.
Money moves for life: For a more sweeping overview of my timeless money advice, see Michelle Singletary’s Money Milestones. The interactive package offers guidance for every life stage, whether you’re just starting out in your career or planning for retirement.
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Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2023/12/20/accept-gifts-better/