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Dear Amy: My husband and I have a bright, high-functioning 16-year-old daughter. I have been teaching her how to perform basic household chores (I do the same with our 12-year-old son) and some basic cooking and cleaning skills, so I can have some help at home, but mainly so our kids will understand that everyone in the family pitches in and that it is important to have life skills. I am a stay-at-home parent and a busy volunteer at their school.
At first, I thought our daughter did not understand some of these basic instructions, which I had shown her, then written down. She just could not seem to get things right. She used floor cleaner on the stove, left wet paper towels on the wooden dining room table, damaging it, and a few other issues, such as “forgetting” to put wet laundry in the dryer and leaving it on the floor instead.
Then I overheard her bragging to her cousin that she was purposely messing up to get me to back off. I am furious. My husband thinks she is being clever and does not want to punish her. What do you think I should do now?
Disgusted: I think it is time your daughter learned another life skill: the concept of natural consequences. In short, if she fails a task, she will be asked to do it again, until she demonstrates some basic competence. If she deliberately causes damage, then she should be expected to compensate the family for it.
If she does a load of laundry and deliberately leaves wet clothes on the floor instead of in the dryer, you can place the soggy pile onto her bed. You should do your best to stay calm throughout: “I get it that you don’t want to do this. I don’t enjoy doing it, either. I’ll just hold on to your phone (laptop, etc.) until you figure out how to do this. You’ll get there!”
And because your husband thinks this is so clever, perhaps he should take over these household chores that make his life easier and assume some responsibility for teaching your children some of these skills. In my opinion, he is a big part of the problem. If he teamed up with you, your daughter would not disrespect your household so easily.
Dear Amy: During the pandemic, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer. After my treatment was completed, my doctor prescribed medication that may reduce the recurrence of this cancer. These drugs have many different side effects. One of the side effects I am experiencing is weight loss.
What do I say when someone tells me: “Oh, you have lost weight. Looking great!” I consider my health very personal information. If it is someone I know fairly well and am comfortable with them knowing about my health, I may tell them I have cancer.
But when my mechanic mentioned my weight loss, I did not know at all what to say. I think I just smiled (weakly). Maybe I am handling this situation in an okay way, but it unsettles me when this happens. How would you reply in my situation?
Recovering: Honestly, I would probably reply as you have done, because the comment, which is meant as a compliment, is actually loaded with subtext, leading you to wonder, for instance, whether you did not look so “great” before you became ill.
This has been discussed at other times in this space, but the overall assumption that someone who is thin (or has become thinner) “looks great” is one that is increasingly challenged by people who do not necessarily want for their bodies, even their thin bodies, to be scrutinized and commented upon.
You might honestly respond, “Well, I have been dealing with some health problems,” but this would probably invite more inquiries and discussion about your health. This could be an opportunity to use the traditional Southern comeback. This idea works in many different contexts, delivering a weird sort of polite-seeming passive-aggressive satisfaction to the person uttering it. Here is how to deploy this nugget: You simply make eye contact and say, “Well, aren’t you sweet.”
Dear Amy: “Angry and Hurt” was really upset because their 12-year-old daughter was not invited to a family wedding. I could not believe you told the writer to “get a grip.” Kids this age are completely capable of handling themselves at public events. If this girl is respectful and well-behaved, why should she not go?
Upset: She should not go because she was not invited.
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/24/ask-amy-teen-daughter-messes-up-chores/