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Dear Carolyn: My eldest’s best friend, “B,” has been at my house for weeks. They both just graduated from high school in June. B’s dad announced he’s been having an affair with a fellow student’s mom for months. B’s mom has moved to a studio apartment and his dad and new love are in the family house. B refuses to live at his dad’s and his mom said she doesn’t have room.
His mom is lost in herself and not calling or checking in. His dad told me B is a young adult and if he doesn’t want to live at home, he doesn’t have to.
B is a very nice kid, and he is just so broken right now. He’s supposed to go to college and has asked if I’ll take him. Or he says he’s not going at all. Do I have any role here in talking to the parents? I’ve known them both for a decade and I really didn’t see their walking out on their kid as something they’d do.
Anonymous: Well, they did it, so.
And they answered your question for you: You talk to them only if you believe it’s important to. They, in their different ways, are in no position to ask anything of you, and all three are capable of keeping each other informed.
You didn’t ask about any of these other issues, but I’m answering anyway:
Assuming I’ve missed college drop-off day … I hope you took B to school as one of your own. Because he is, at this point. No matter how odd or wrong that idea feels, it is no exaggeration to say even temporary pinch-parenting can carry B through life — because there is a protective effect, in our worst times, to knowing what it feels like to receive loving support from an unexpected source.
You can offer to stay on as his sounding board, too, even if he and his parents resume contact. Don’t pretend you’re a disinterested observer but instead apply the awkwardness of your position toward credibility: “As only an emergency parent here, who wants to fix your family situation for you but can’t, I might be uniquely qualified to give this advice — that there will always be times when our best option is the least bad one.”
If you have even the wispiest friendship ties to the mom, maybe check in on her, too, for her sake (which is also B’s). Her withdrawal from life and child is concerning.
Finally: If B has an emergency home with you always — or home, no qualifier — then make sure he hears that from you.
Dear Carolyn: My partner is an ardent environmentalist who has entered a state of near-constant rage and frustration at humanity’s refusal to make the changes necessary to save the planet from catastrophic climate change. He expresses this rage to everyone he meets and, although I have heard his views hundreds of times and totally agree, he can’t stop himself from venting to me every day. His rage is so deep and intense that he says he just wants to die. He loathes the serenity prayer — that I find so helpful — because he believes we must all act now to change things, and things CAN in fact change if people choose.
He’s right, of course, and I tell him so, but that doesn’t mitigate his rage. He regularly goes off on uncontrollable rants to me, which leave me shaky and so upset. He is a large person with a very loud voice and although he would never be violent against a person, he will sometimes throw things — though never at me.
I have begged him innumerable times to moderate his tone and to recognize that while I welcome hearing his feelings and views, yelling at me just ruins my day and has no effect whatsoever on the world. His emotions are out of control and he has absolutely no desire to get them under control because in his view he’s in the right, everyone else is wrong and his reaction is justified.
How can I get him to stop raging at me about things over which I have no control?
Upset: There is no level or rightness or righteousness, no degree of worthiness of a cause, that justifies intimate partner abuse.
It is not your responsibility to calm him, and certainly not to lobby him with reasons not to abuse you. His extreme behavior has cut your responsibility list to one item: get out of this relationship as soon as you safely can.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, www.thehotline.org, can support you through that transition. Use the crisis hotline, 988, text line, 741741, or 911 if he threatens self-harm, and the NAMI help line (www.nami.org) for less urgent guidance. It doesn’t take a license to see your partner is having a mental health crisis independent of the earth’s distress.
Please stop treating rants, insults and violence as valid extensions of “feelings and views.”
His behavior is unacceptable.
He needs help you’re not qualified to provide.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/09/03/carolyn-hax-teen-friend-taking-in/