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Dear Miss Manners: How much detail in the response is required when declining an invitation, and does it vary by event?
For example, if I say, “I’m busy that day” when just a cup of coffee is involved, do I need to say, “I’m chairing a charity event that weekend” when a destination wedding is in the works? I was always pretty terse in my RSVPs, but I’ve noticed that well-mannered people I know tend to trot out a concrete reason when bowing out.
Second question: When I ask someone for advice, do I owe them a follow-up? Such as “I looked into what you suggested, but decided to go in a different direction.” Your common-sense advice is always much appreciated.
There is a difference between declining an invitation and bowing out afterward. Miss Manners is not sure you are making this distinction, which may be the reason that your well-mannered friends are taking the additional step.
When declining an invitation, a simple “I am so sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t attend” is perfectly polite. And more often than not, revealing the real reason — that you do not feel like it or do not like the people, activity, food and/or price of admission — would be rude. But if you are bowing out after having accepted, you had better have a very good excuse — or at least one that is not discoverable.
As for the second question, you do not owe anyone, including Miss Manners, a follow-up on advice unless they specifically ask if you used it. Even in that case, you need not specify if it was successful.
Dear Miss Manners: I am 38, and 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with a severe, life-limiting disease that leaves me in enormous pain around-the-clock.
Unfortunately, my body seems to be breaking down at a faster rate than many others with this disease. I have begun using various aids, such as a wheelchair, which somehow seems to give people a pass to ask about my limitations and tell me about theirs.
I am not ashamed of my disease, and I don’t mind telling people about it. My problem is when people, even some in my own family, tell me that they could never deal with such a diagnosis, and that they would kill themselves if they were me. I never know what to say to this. I feel like I need to put on a brave face at all times, when in truth, I have been hospitalized for trying to end my life due to my pain. (This is none of their business.)
I am trying to make the most of the years I have left and trying to find reasons to live; reminders of death make my already difficult life much harder. Is there a way to succinctly tell people that this comment is both unwarranted, unwanted and pretty damn offensive?
“What a terrible thing to say.”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/09/01/miss-manners-declining-invitation-details/