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Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My 40th birthday is coming up, and I have always wanted to be a homeowner by 40. Of course, I always imagined being happily married long before that, and buying the house together. That hasn’t happened.
I don’t want to put it off longer — I’m in a good position now, and the market near me is good — but I feel deeply unsettled by the idea of buying a house now, alone, with space for me and no one else, almost as if I’m conceding that I’m not going to find someone to spend my life with. Is that completely dumb? How do I get excited about buying a house alone?
Unsettled: Is that such a terrible thing to “concede”?
I suppose if you frame it as, “I’m not going to find someone to spend my life with,” and you want that, then, sure, it will feel terrible.
But there are more accurate labels. You’ve done a pretty common and normal thing by having a set of goals and expectations for your life — but I think everyone who does that reaches a point where goals and expectations become untenable, because they’re not entirely up to you. Is it always “conceding” when things just don’t work the way we envision them for any one of a million typical reasons?
You can get everything you expected but realize it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would.
You can get nothing you expected and love where you are.
You can get half the things, be okay with that, have half of those unravel, and end up on some side journey that bears no resemblance to anything you had in mind.
You can hit goals in succession and wake up in the middle of it with the epiphany that you charted your life at 18 and you barely resemble that person anymore.
Being “house poor” can limit your funds for the true joys in life you used to take for granted.
It’s possible your problem isn’t that you haven’t met your goals; it’s that you haven’t revised them as you’ve grown and evolved.
This could also be too think-y for where you are right now. Maybe all you need is to see some homes and picture yourself in them and fall in love with the idea of your very own space. It’s pure cheese, but, “Sleeping With the Enemy,” 1991, Julia Roberts, big hair, has a scene that makes one’s all-alone home feel like the most gut-level-satisfying thing on earth. (Ignore that it’s a rental.) I’ve wept through it.
I know I can’t feel your feelings for you, but from where I sit, buying your very own home as part of living fully, as is, is the opposite of “conceding.” Maybe just start touring homes to see whether you warm to it.
· Watch a few episodes of “House Hunters” with the couples completely disagreeing on what they are looking for! I’m reminded that I got to make all of the decisions on my own. No arguing over a place for a giant TV. I got to do something for just me! And if I do eventually meet someone to be with long term, I’ll figure out then what to do about sharing.
· I bought a house alone because I wanted a house, not because I had a goal of being a homeowner. Are you sure you actually want one? Do you like your current living situation?
· What guarantee do you have that you’ll EVER get married? LIVE YOUR LIFE!!
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/08/21/carolyn-hax-buying-house-alone/