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Dear Miss Manners: I am a young woman who works in a professional setting. I got married fairly young after my husband and I graduated from college, and we’re very happy and well-established. We own a house, both have great jobs and have two wonderful cats.
My manager is much older than I am, and has children my age. While we generally get along, she has repeatedly told me that I should never have children. The first time, I thought it was a joke. The fifth time, I started ignoring her whenever the subject of children came up because the comments were hurtful. This has made the comments less frequent, but she still often complains about how awful her own children are, how lucky I am to be child-free and how I should keep it that way.
My husband and I recently decided to start trying for a baby, and I am now pregnant! We are delighted and so excited to start preparing for our little one. I intend to continue working remotely once I finish maternity leave.
How soon is it polite to inform your workplace of your intended maternity leave? I don’t want anyone to be stressed during my absence. At the same time, I don’t want my manager to know I’m pregnant yet. The idea is actually repugnant after everything she has said to me. How do I handle this? I love my job and the overall atmosphere, but this is stressing me out.
As long as you give your employers adequate time to prepare for your absence, Miss Manners does not see any reason to tell them sooner. Well, one: that you might be showing long before that, and given your boss’s tactlessness, she may be brazen enough to ask about it.
If she does, Miss Manners suggests that you tell her, “I know your feelings on children, but ours differ, and I am afraid that we went ahead with it anyway. I’m so sorry to disappoint you, but we are very excited.”
Dear Miss Manners: I have a couple of friends who are painters. Every hour, they take a break from inhaling paint fumes, which consist of epoxy, acrylics, silicon and synthetic resins. The ironic part is that during their breaks, they usually inhale the fumes from a cigarette or two. Their cigarettes contain nicotine, tar, cyanide and arsenic.
I have implored them to wear a mask while painting and to cease smoking. They have refused to do either, for one reason or another. I know that tobacco, like a lot of other substances, can be addictive and that using it can be a difficult habit to break. I do not want to give up on them. I am not sure what else I can say or do. Do you have any suggestions?
That you stay out of it. Miss Manners feels certain that your friends are well aware of the hazards of these various inhalations. And unless you want to make their interactions with you feel similarly toxic, she suggests you refrain from pestering them about it.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
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