Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My brother confessed to me that he doesn’t really love his fiancee or find her physically attractive. Then he told me he really just wants to work it out with her because she is a nice person and would be a great mother. This is not the first time he’s told me this in their five years together.
I really love his fiancee and think she deserves better than this, and have told him so. But I can’t say anything, can I? I need to just keep my trap shut and then be a safe place for their kids when they end up divorcing, right?
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Butting Out: Well, wait — you can tell him he deserves better, too.
And you can say he’s being a complete shortsighted ass, and spouses aren’t just breeding stock — unless he doesn’t really mean what he says and is just working through some dark thoughts out loud, in which case you’ll be happy to listen.
You’d just like to know upfront whether he’s actually secretly deeply smitten and mouthing off out of fear of the implications of caring and loving so much — or actively, knowingly, presumptuously and unnecessarily choosing a life of mediocrity for himself and his unwitting bride. So, you know, you can gauge your response to him accordingly.
She of course is as equipped as anyone to pick up the scent of meh in the air, so she is not without responsibility, but still.
I hope anyone he confides in says this to him powerfully, once, on the fiancee’s, his and any future kids’ behalf.
Once done, then yes — you shut up and be there to help.
Carolyn: I’ve told my brother he deserves better, too. He thinks this is the best he can do and it’s better just to settle rather than keep hope alive for the impossible. Or be lonely. For what it’s worth, our parents were not a good example, for anything, and I did years of therapy before I felt ready to be in a relationship.
Butting Out again: “The best he can do” is a human being, for fox’s sake. His selfishness is breathtaking.
Good for you for getting help and climbing out of the hole your parents dug for you. You’ve tried to help here, you’ve said your piece, so I guess the couple will just have to figure this out. And maybe they will — not that it makes it any easier to watch.
Dear Carolyn: I met a man four months ago. We hit it off amazingly well and had a really fun, intense three months of “all in.”
Now, he’s pulling away “to think about his life, his goals, next steps, etc.” And what “love” really means.
He’s 65! Maybe it’s a late midlife crisis?
I really fell hard for this man. How do I know if “he’s just not that into me,” or if this is a healthy step back, after which he’ll be ready for love? If I hang around at a remove while he works things out, is that being patient and supportive, or is it being a doormat?
Doormat?: Go live your life as if he will no longer be in it, because he is no longer in it. Accept it.
If after his thinking period he should return to your doorstep looking to be welcomed back in, then you can decide, based on how you and your circumstances and your feelings have (or haven’t) changed, whether to say yes.
Everything else at this point is just speculation and wheel-spinning. I’m sorry.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/10/10/carolyn-hax-brother-love-fiancee/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=wp_lifestyle