Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I am a bit confused. I know boundaries = YOU decide what you think, what you discuss, whom you see, where you go, how you spend your time, what you value, where you live, how you guide the trajectory of your life. I know gaslighting is being [twisted] out of your own judgment. But sometimes I feel like the two concepts are playing tug-of-war. For example, if my partner is choosing to spend time with his friends instead of prioritizing our family and our home, he is exercising his right to do what he wants. So when I talk to him about putting our family low on his priorities, am I pushing his boundaries? If he calls me sensitive for feeling sad, is he gaslighting me? Why is this hard to understand?
Tug-of-War: This is a good example to dissect — though I’m sorry you’re having to live it:
Your partner is exercising his right to do what he wants. It is, always, his call to be with his family at the home he helped create, or with his friends. A rephrase, if it helps: Each of us always has a choice whether to be a decent, responsible adult or a self-indulgent adult-baby.
So, the matter of choice is pure — it’s his to make.
But that doesn’t mean choices come without consequences, and it doesn’t mean you’re prohibited from having or opining civilly on his choices.
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Speaking up offers another case study: If you witness someone being selfish but you’re a disinterested observer — it doesn’t affect you and nobody asked your opinion — then it’s not your place to comment. If you were, say, his parent who lives independently of him, and you harangued him about his responsibilities, then you’d be crossing a boundary.
But as the person living with him and counting on him to meet his shared responsibilities, and who now has to do his share because he chose his friends over his family, you get to say exactly what you think of his choices. And attach consequences in the form of, say, securing your assets and calling an attorney.
Some of this will involve your mutual understanding of how much friend time is okay, which couples do need to talk about early on in good faith. Are you upset that he goes out once a week for a couple of hours? Nightly into the wee hours? What’s his attitude toward your social time? These affect the power dynamics.
On the feelings issue: You get to feel what you feel. But you don’t get to make your own facts. So, if you feel detached from your partner, then you feel what you feel. But if you declare, “You’re never home!” to a spouse with one measly bowling night, then your partner has grounds to say, “That’s not fair. I’m here six nights a week.” And then engage with you on the actual source of your feelings.
However you engage with someone — even hyperbolically — it’s not okay for them to respond dismissively. “You’re too sensitive” is a no; “I disagree that one night equals ‘never home’ ” is a yes.
Some people are indeed too sensitive — they react big to small things or take innocent ones as threatening — but brushing them off with emotional accusations isn’t the answer. Listening is, and specific facts are. Even when it turns out the relationship isn’t salvageable.
This is why gaslighting is tricky and persistent. It targets facts, so when you feel upset and try to stand up for yourself, you’re told there’s no solid place to put your feet.
It can help to talk to disinterested third parties, write down what you know, and consult the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE or thehotline.org.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/09/13/carolyn-hax-control-gaslighting-relationship/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=wp_lifestyle