We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years, together for 7 and are expecting our first child — the first grandchild for his parents and second for mine — this summer.

Since meeting my husband’s parents, I have gone from calling them “Mr. and Mrs. X” to calling them by first names. My husband does the same for my parents. However, this weekend I learned that his parents have begun to chafe at my calling them by their first names. They let me know, via text, they prefer and were “elated” when one time this weekend I called them “Mom and Dad.” (It was not on purpose and was just to designate a bagel order for breakfast!) For context, I also did not take my husband’s last name but hyphenated, which was important to me, and he was 100 percent supportive. However, I have gotten the sense his parents are not as supportive — they address me on social media and cards with my husband’s last name only.

I have a great and very close relationship with my parents, who live nearby, and I never imagined calling anyone else “Mom and Dad.” Now that my in-laws have made their preference known, I’m unsure how to handle it. I don’t want to call them Mom and Dad, but I also don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m uncomfortable with the way this all went down.

Do I speak up or should I just let it go? Do I continue to call them by their first names even when I know they’d prefer something else? They will soon become “Grandma” and “Grandpa,” so should I just wait until then and roll with that?

Disgruntled DIL: This stinks. I’m sorry. I wish people would be more concerned with the quality of their relationships to their children-in-law than how they are addressed and if last names are being taken or not. I think a perfectly acceptable way to handle this is to continue referring to them in the way you prefer and to continue ignoring them when they call you by the wrong name on social media.

What I think is absolutely essential, though, is a check-in with your husband about your boundaries and expectations once the kiddo arrives. This behavior from your in-laws is a harbinger for what is to come. You cannot control them or their choices, but you and your husband can be on the same page for your own little family and how you intend to show up for each other.

Disgruntled DIL: Years ago, our son’s first wife obviously didn’t know what to call us, so she called us nothing. Sentences started with “Hey” or “Um.” She was extremely close to her parents so we understood it, but neither one of us addressed it, which is what should have happened. Only after the divorce did she ever bring it up with us. When my son remarried, I was determined to not let this happen again. I asked my new daughter-in-law what she would like to call us. When she hesitated, I asked her what she called us in her head when she thought about us. She said it was our first names, so I said, “So, call us that!” Settled. You know what? Over a few years, as we became closer, it gradually morphed into “Mom” and “Dad,” and we were extremely proud that we had earned those names.

So my advice: Be upfront about this. Explain how you feel. Tell them they are special to you but you can’t share your parents’ names. Since you already call them by their names, continue to do so. Maybe eventually your name for them will change, maybe it won’t. But don’t ever call them nothing.

Disgruntled DIL: I totally understand your feeling about reserving “Mom and Dad” for your parents, and see a few options. Would it work to use their first or last names with an honorific such as Mom Mary, Mom Jones, etc.? Or What about Mama and Papa or Mother and Father? Your idea of waiting to call them by the name used by the grandchildren makes sense but won’t solve the problem right away.

I do have some sympathy for your husband’s parents in that I firmly believe in the importance of honoring someone’s name of choice. But this is more an issue of an honorific than a name. Have a conversation with them to come up with a mutually agreeable solution. That could lead to their not only understanding how important this issue is to you in regard to honoring your own parents, but you can also gently make them aware of their need to honor your choice of your legal last name. Here’s hoping!

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.

Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/06/26/carolyn-hax-in-laws-mom-dad-names/