Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I sometimes worry that with age, I may be less gracious, diplomatic, deferential than when I was younger. I think some of this is just that I have more experience now, am more comfortable in my own skin, and feel more comfortable setting boundaries, telling the truth, saying no, etc. When I was younger, I would bend over backward to try to accommodate others, and I am no longer as accommodating as I once was.

My brother told me he has noticed that I have changed over time, and that I am not as sweet as I once was. I don’t want to be unpleasant, but I also think I am happier now than when I was the family doormat. What should I do to make sure I am not becoming unpleasant?

Not As Nice: You can be sweet, gracious and diplomatic without being deferential or accommodating. They’re not mutually exclusive. So, if you don’t want to become unpleasant or be a doormat, then keep saying no to stuff you want to say no to, and make an effort on the non-doormatty aspects of kindness. Warm demeanor, kind words, fairness, good listening, all that good stuff. All still possible with a functional spine.

That is, if you want that, obviously. You can also just be on the flinty side without apology, because that’s fine, too, as long as you’re not cruel.

And next time your brother says you’re not as sweet as you once were, say, “No, my dear bro, I’m still as sweet as freaking pie — I’m just not a pushover. They’re two different things.” They may need to hear that, if “sweet” to them just means you always let them get their way.

In my experience, and in a lot of letters I receive, it’s pretty common for people to put up a fair amount of resistance when their most reliable pushovers learn to stand up for themselves.

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve been cut off from a lot of people in recent years. My husband’s and my jobs are now remote permanently, and we welcomed a baby in 2020. My main interaction with other humans takes place at work or with family, and with close friends who mostly have young children, so we’re sharing challenges and getting real about things like potty training.

We recently traveled to a family wedding, and I realized my social filter is a bit off — nothing terribly egregious, but I found myself thinking “Well, that was weird to say” a couple of times. How can I practice recalibrating my social filter?

— Filter Needs a Tuneup

Filter Needs a Tuneup: Go out as you have the energy to (ha), circulate more among more types of friends again and say weird stuff for a while till you get back in shape.

If there’s a better way, then I’m going to be really mad no one shared it with me 50 years ago.

· I, for one, love that we’re all kind of letting our freak flags fly after a few years of isolation. It was SO hard pre-pandemic to pretend to be “normal,” whatever that is. I hope we never go back.

Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/06/18/carolyn-hax-age-boundaries-gracious/