Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My husband always leaned right politically, but in the last several years, he seems to be flirting with the fringe elements of the right wing. Everything will be fine for months, then something will set him off and he’ll go on a rant — only to me, only when we’re alone — about how he’s not going to call a trans kid we’ve known forever by the kid’s chosen name and will use his deadname if he feels like it, or how gay people shouldn’t have been given the right to marry, or how there should be no exceptions for outlawing abortion. This happens maybe twice a year.

I tell him his views sicken me and I can’t believe that this is who he is now. BUT — he’s nothing but gracious and warm to our LGBTQIA friends and never, ever breathes a word of his feelings to our kids or anyone in our very liberal community. Our kids and friends and family think he’s a super-friendly guy.

I don’t know how to reconcile the vile things he says every so often with the man he appears to be the majority of the time.

— Married to Secret Bigot

Married to Secret Bigot: Have you said exactly that to him, during one of the between times when he’s not actively saying dehumanizing things and not emotionally keyed up by a rant? “I don’t know how to reconcile the dehumanizing things you say sometimes, only to me and when something sets you off, and the kind man you are the majority of the time. I would like to know what you genuinely believe. At your core.”

I can’t make any argument that suggests it’s okay for him to say bigoted things “only” when letting off steam. But I would certainly want to know whether that’s what he’s doing, or whether he believes these things 100 percent and is simply aware of the personal cost to him if he owns that. From what you say, he stands to lose his spouse, maybe kids, many friends and the local embrace if he believes this stuff out loud. (Or anywhere but selected online communities.)

It’s possible knowing his views “sicken” you will keep him from telling the truth, so you may need to acknowledge upfront that you’re asking him to put truth above all else.

Your reckoning will have to be your own. But even if the blank you want him to fill in for you weren’t about third-rail issues, the fact remains that you’re married to someone you’re not sure you really know. And I can’t see leaving that unaddressed.

· I think it’s important to think through where you want this to go next, and that will guide what you say to your husband. If your hope is for him to see the light about bigotry, saying that his views “sicken” you (even though true) might not be the best way to break through. If you stay calm and ask questions to probe about what’s behind those feelings, the other person may hear themselves and realize why what they’re saying is wrong.

Also, are you really sure he never, ever says this stuff around your kids?

Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/06/17/carolyn-hax-husband-secret-bigot/