Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I want to get engaged in the coming months, but his older sister has indicated she will throw a fit if he is engaged before she is. We plan on getting engaged anyway and agree that upsetting his sister is a risk we must take. Any tips on dealing with the inevitable fallout?

Anonymous: First thoughts: Correct, don’t negotiate with terrorists — I mean, what if she never marries?

And what is this, 1955? What does anyone gain by tacitly endorsing the idea that for an older sister, being single is a bad thing? I want to shake her (figuratively, of course) just for accepting that sexist albatross from prior generations. Some members of which I’d also like to shake, hard. Figuratively.

But these don’t help. The answer here is compassion, and the words “terrorist,” “albatross” and “advice columnist responds to legacy sexism with thoughts of violence” tend not to bring that out in people.

So. New thought: The older sister is going through some stuff.

Her stuff has nothing to do with you, your boyfriend or your pending engagement, so maintaining your own schedule for your own reasons is the only right thing to do.

But a loved one in pain does involve you, or at least it involves your boyfriend, if only to the extent that she might welcome the support of the people who love her when she feels bad about herself.

So instead of going in with autonomy guns blazing, he might accomplish more by asking if she’s okay — because she is a [list of her best attributes] person who is asking something of him that is none of these things. And, meanwhile, her being paired or unpaired has zero bearing on her worth.

This advice is for him, not you, sorry, but you can coach him up. Think: blunt meeting of equal minds, with no trace of condescension or pity or “there, there”-isms.

She may still throw her fit, especially if that’s her signature style. But still, a loving, thoughtful bluff-call to get ahead of it — followed by patience and no further explaining if she makes good on her threat — is the best way to deal with any fallout. Congratulations in the coming months.

Dear Carolyn: Our adult daughter is a heavy user of social media. While it’s not our business if she decides to post her own issues, she has in the past posted about family, occasionally in a less-than-flattering light. It’s gotten to the point that we often have to preface our conversations with her with, “This is not something to be discussed online.” When we share photos with her, we’ll indicate they are for her only.

It’s not as if she’s using social media to attack us, but rather that her filters about what is appropriate for posting are pretty loose. And she tends to be impulsive.

We want to be able to confide in her and keep her informed about family affairs but find ourselves often holding back. It’s not that we have a lot to hide, but we’re of a generation where some things are best left unpublicized.

How do we maintain an open and honest dialogue with her while protecting our privacy?

Old Fogey: You’re already doing that, by telling her in advance when the information or a photograph you’re giving her is not intended for social publication. That may be annoying to you, both to do this and to feel you have to, but it is absolutely appropriate for these circumstances.

If she doesn’t respect your wishes and posts it all anyway, then you call her on the breach of trust and stop sharing with her — or, if you prefer, stop reacting when she shares. It’s pretty binary stuff. Not reacting gets a lot easier, by the way, when you unfollow her. I highly recommend it.

If she does respect your wishes, then what is the problem? Specifically, what is wrong with her living her way, and your living yours, and anticipating the gap?

If you were my parent, asking me not to post certain things, and if I complied — and if you still indicated you wanted to do more about our social media differences, then I would begin to think it wasn’t about keeping your information private according to your preference, but instead changing me according to your preference. And that’s a line few kids of any age fail to recognize. It hums like an electrified fence.

That’s why my advice is to handle your differences entirely from your side of the line — meaning, manage your information based on what you anticipate your daughter will do with it, vs. trying to manage your daughter. That will have the added benefit of handing your daughter fewer grievances against her family to complain about online.

Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/06/16/carolyn-hax-boyfriend-sister-engagement-fit/