Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: When my son, “Barry,” turned 14, my husband became emotionally abusive to him. Nothing Barry could do was good enough or right, according to his dad. I suspected this was somehow connected to my husband’s father dying by suicide when he was 14.

I asked my husband to consider therapy, but he refused. His behavior got so bad, I gave him an ultimatum — get therapy or we divorce. We broke up, and Barry told me how much it meant that I stood up for him. I said I always would but he needed to understand that his dad wasn’t a bad person, but a good man who lost his way.

My ex’s anger problems continued to escalate until he was fired for punching his boss. He was forced to enter therapy. Barry is now 19 and a fine young man except for the fact that he won’t give his dad another chance. My ex has done a lot of work on himself these past two-plus years and deserves enormous credit. I feel so bad for my ex and admire how he won’t give up on Barry no matter how much he is rejected.

Barry gets really upset when I advocate for his dad, so I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good. Should I stay out of the way or continue to try to mediate?

Anonymous: Oh, my goodness, yes, stop pressuring your son to forgive the man who abused him. That’s his process to go through, not yours.

You may be right that your ex is “a good man who lost his way” — you’re entitled to that opinion regardless — but your son gets to have his opinion, too, and he may think his dad is a bad person. He also may be right. By pushing your narrative on him as if no other could be true, you’re negating your son — telling him his experience, his judgment, his conclusions are wrong and don’t matter.

That is the exact opposite of standing up for him. When Barry thanked you for doing that back when he was 14, you actually undermined your gesture right away with your response, indicating that he “needed” to think about his abusive dad the way you told him to.

I’m guessing he was too young at the time to articulate this to you, but I also don’t doubt he internalized the dissonance. Here he was thanking you for respecting and believing (in) him, and your response was to take an abusive-dad-first, not abused-kid-first perspective. I do understand your compassion, and trashing a parent is always fraught. But Barry is the one you are morally bound to protect.

Even now — you “admire” your ex, and you’re wringing your hands over your son. How do you think Barry hears that?

So consider also apologizing to Barry for the overreach into his emotional business. If Barry wants to hate his dad to the moon and back, then that’s Barry’s prerogative. Even if you don’t like it, even if Barry’s wrong, and even if it’s ultimately not good for him. Because Barry gets to decide now what’s good for Barry. And the best thing his parents can do for him now is respect that.

I urge you to get counseling yourself, for what I guess would be called “codependency” with your ex that survived his abuse of your child and the demise of your marriage — but in I’m-not-a-therapist terms, it’s what I’d call backing the wrong damn horse.

Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/06/15/carolyn-hax-son-abusive-ex-forgiveness/