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Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: Recently my girlfriend and I attended a family gathering. Afterward, I was set to go to a close friend’s house party. My girlfriend could have gone, but she did not want to. Which I think is fine, because we do not have to accompany each other all the time. The problem is that she did not want me to go, either.

She did not give a particular reason. (I should have asked, but I did not.) I wanted to go to the party, all the more so because it was my friend’s birthday party, which I pointed out, my thought being that this made it important that I go, even aside from my desire to go. Even more than if it were a regular party, my friend would probably be disappointed, even offended, if I did not go to their birthday party.

My girlfriend responded along the lines of: “So what? Birthdays are so important that you have to go to every friend’s birthday party?” I was confused. First, my girlfriend has never minimized birthdays before, and second, yes, I believe celebrating a friend’s birthday is an important part of maintaining friendships, especially if that person throws a party and invites you. (Again, separate from the fact that I wanted to go.)

Am I missing something? Since this happened, I am starting to see other incidents, where I was set to see some friends and she, in retrospect, concocted some argument between us or some other emotional situation that resulted in my staying home, because I guess I felt it would be wrong to go out if she were angry or upset, as part of a pattern.

With this latest example, I can almost see that if I had not already been out at the family gathering, I would have ended up acceding to her desire and missing the birthday party. For what it is worth, I have some homebody tendencies and would describe myself as an introvert. In other words, I am not going out with high frequency. Are these red flags, or am I overthinking this?

Seeing a Pattern: A pattern you dislike does not have to warrant a label or fit a definition like controlling, manipulative, abusive, etc., to be significant. You dislike it, and it is something she does regularly: That is an action item. So is just wanting to break up. There are no justifications necessary.

As it happens, though, what you describe is a basic form of controlling behavior in a relationship: The controller wants you to do something (not see your friends), so she makes sure you know there will be uncomfortable emotional consequences (she gets angry or upset) if you do not do what she wants. You complete the control circuit by staying home in response to her distress. You are also at risk of doing the work for her one day by anticipating her distress and just turning down invitations you know will upset her.

Not only is this a form of control unto itself, but it is also Part 1 of a second form of control, and that is isolation. Back out on friends enough, and you will have no outside network of friends anymore, and you will feel compelled to work even harder to please her, because she will be all you have. Anyway, as I said upfront, none of this needs to be true for you to opt out of the relationship.

You can decide that a person who has “concocted some argument” every time you have wanted to go to a freaking birthday party is not mature enough or managing her anxiety well enough to date. Your call. But it is good to be conversant on red flags. Here is a great primer on the topic from One Love Foundation.

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Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/07/31/carolyn-hax-girlfriend-blocks-hangouts/