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Hi Elaine: My eldest daughter is getting married. I was a single dad of two daughters; my ex-wife is an alcoholic (10 years sober). I am a teacher, and I always have been. I’m not rich, but I pay my bills and have always taken care of my daughters.
Before her sobriety, I had the girls 85 percent of the time even though we had a 50/50 custody agreement because their mother was too drunk to take care of them most of the time. I have sacrificed everything for my girls: passed on jobs that would have brought in more money, dated very little, and just always been there. I never regretted it.
But now I am really resentful of this wedding. The young man is a jewel; he is not the problem. The problem is every single suggestion I made that would keep the cost of the wedding manageable was shot down by my daughter and my ex-wife (whose second husband owns a successful business and has no shortage of cash). Now, my daughter has asked that her stepdad be allowed to also walk her down the aisle because “after all, he is paying for most of the wedding.”
I am convinced this is really my ex-wife’s plan all along, driving up the cost so it would look like I don’t love our daughter as much since I have not contributed nearly as much as she and her current husband. I plan on smiling and saying and doing all the right things since it is her day, but am I right to feel really resentful and angry at my ex?
Follow this authorElaine Welteroth
Disappointed Dad: You have every right to feel resentful. Hell, you are entitled to any and every complicated feeling, especially during this sensitive time. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for a single father who has sacrificed so much and loved so hard to feel pushed aside over money. I do think there’s probably more to the story than what your letter says, but, you’re right: The bottom line is that this is her moment, not yours. None of this is about you — no matter how deeply it hurts.
It sounds like you are an exemplary father, so I can imagine your relationship with your daughter matters more than anything — even your own hurt feelings. Protect that precious bond you’ve cultivated over the years by keeping it at the forefront of your feelings, thoughts, and especially your actions. The wedding will come and go, but the way you make her feel on that day will leave a lasting impression.
I got married during the pandemic so my dad never got the chance to walk me down the aisle, which was hard on us both. But the five minutes he spent pouring out his heart during our Zoom ceremony will forever be the most special part of one of the most special days of my life. Let this be a reminder to shower your daughter with the kind of love she will remember years from now. Keep reminding yourself that her happiness is your priority.
After the wedding, it’s okay to be lovingly honest with her that it was hard to accept that she’d want anyone but you walking her down the aisle. But right now what’s important is letting her know that ultimately you support her decision to have you both walk her down the aisle. No matter her reasons. This is her wedding. If she wants to spend more than you would and if she has the access to use her stepdad’s funds to do so, let her.
Tension between biological and step parents is as old as time. But that doesn’t make this sting any less. Try to separate the relationship with your daughter from the layers of understandable resentment rooted in your relationship with your ex. And avoid making any sweeping assumptions. It is very possible that your ex isn’t driving up the cost of the wedding to make you feel bad. Instead, she could be trying to give your daughter the wedding she wants — especially after all the years she wasn’t there for her in ways that she can be now. Also, how long has the stepdad been in the picture? Could he and your daughter have established a meaningful relationship? Allow for the possibility that money isn’t the only reason she is having him escort her down the aisle.
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One of the core principles of “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz comes to mind: “Don’t take anything personally.” It’s the simplest concept but the hardest to practice, particularly in moments like these. If you haven’t read it, consider picking it up as a tool to help navigate the swirl of emotions and to neutralize the charge you’re feeling about all of this. You may find that there’s nothing more freeing than remembering none of this is actually about you. Also, seek a therapist or a trusted confidant to help you process your feelings so that they don’t spill over and spoil your daughter’s special day.
You have been a great dad and you still have the opportunity to be what every daughter wants on her wedding day: a deeply loving, present, and attentive father who isn’t worried about anything but letting his baby girl know she is loved.
Source link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/06/06/ask-elaine-stepdad-daughter-walk-down-aisle/